


Love Thy Neighbor

by LLazy_Lizard



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, How Do I Tag, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, So much angst, connor dances on a roof, elders being bros, hell dreams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28643373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLazy_Lizard/pseuds/LLazy_Lizard
Summary: Elder McKinley has always struggled with hell dreams. But when Elder Price walks into the mission hut, things get worse before they get better.Pretty much Connor and his struggles with internalized homophobia/hell dreams and Elder Price helping him through that.
Relationships: Arnold Cunningham/Nabulungi Hatimbi, Elder "Connor" McKinley & Elder Thomas, Elder "Connor" McKinley/Kevin Price, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Love Thy Neighbor

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings!  
> The hell dreams are relatively descriptive so: torture, hell, scary things, etc.  
> Lots of internalized homophobia.  
> Panic attack (I'm pretty sure you could call it that)
> 
> But, fear not! There is no sexual/suggestive stuff at all - just nondescriptive kissing :P
> 
> Also, please feel free to correct me if I got anything wrong (less about typos, more like "you got this basic fact about Mormon religion wrong")!
> 
> This is my first fanfic so be nice but feel free to leave constructive criticism & such!

_Connor screamed as the searingly hot chains wrapped more tightly around him. He knew he deserved it, but he couldn’t take it anymore. Connor knew that as soon as he woke up from this hell dream, he would never have another gay thought again in his entire life. He would have to find some way to_ turn. It. Off _. There was no way he could keep doing this, night after night, dream after dream. He was supposed to be District 9’s leader, dang it! He had to be there for everyone else._ He _couldn’t be the messed-up one. Everyone was counting on him. He had to stop having these hell dreams. He had to stop having gay thoughts. He_ had _to. Because if he couldn’t, what was the other option?_

Connor woke up in a cold sweat, glancing around fearfully.  _ It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It was just a dream.  _ He tried to calm himself down, glancing around the room for an anchor. Elder Poptarts was sleeping peacefully in the bed next to his, a tiny bit of drool slowly making its way down the corner of his mouth. Connor focused on him, trying to match his shallow, panicked breathing with the other man’s deep breaths. Suddenly, their alarm clock went off, shattering the quiet of the African morning. Connor didn’t even register that it had gone off until Elder Poptarts opened his eyes, looking straight at Connor. Poptarts sat up quickly at the same time Connor realized that he had been  _ staring at Elder Poptarts as he slept. Frick.  _ Connor looked away quickly; he wasn’t attracted like  _ that  _ to the other elder, but he didn’t need more judgment from the others, more fuel for his hell dreams, more rumors flying around the village. 

Elder Poptarts sat there for a few more seconds before blinking and starting to get dressed, while Connor very pointedly turned away and got dressed himself to try to deflect any ideas Poptarts might get about the whole situation. By the time they headed out of the room to meet the other elders for breakfast, their dynamic was back to normal. They walked in on Elder Church and Elder Neeley having a whispered argument about who got the last of the Cheerios. 

“You had  _ two bowls  _ yesterday! I only had one!”

“Yeah, well I got here first!”

Connor straightened up (this  _ was  _ his job as district leader) and walked over to the cabinet. “Calm down you guys, Poptarts got another box in his package last week. Do you mind sharing?” he checked with his mission companion, waiting for permission. 

Poptarts nodded, “Yeah that’s fine. I only really like the Poptarts anyway.”

Connor laughed, sliding the Cheerios over to the other elders, who grabbed it as if their lives depended on it. “We know, Poptarts, we know.” 

“What? They’re the best thing you could ever have for breakfast! They have  _ frosting _ , and  _ filling _ , and–”

“Honestly, I just don’t want those weird grasshopper things the villagers offered us last time,” Elder Church chimed in with a shudder. “Those things were  _ creepy _ .”

Connor laughed again, grabbing a handful of Cheerios from Elder Church and popping them in his mouth. He may have The Hell Dream every single night, but at least he had friends right here, right now, and he could enjoy himself.  _ Until they finally get fed up with you having gay thoughts and realize they’re really creeped out by you and your gay thoughts and they throw you out into the African wilderness to fend for yourself and you get eaten by lions and– _

His thought spiral was cut off when Elder Neeley looked up and asked, “Hey Elder McKinley, aren’t those new recruits coming today?”

Connor blinked, momentarily thrown off by the question. “Uhh.. oh yes! The new recruits. They’re arriving later in the day, close to lights-out.” He smiled, “I heard one of them, Elder Price, is virtually the perfect Mormon.”  _ Unlike me _ . “Maybe he’ll finally be able to turn this mission around, huh?” 

The other elders grinned, nodding at each other. They had been here several months already but hadn’t been able to complete a single baptism. To be fair, it was pretty hard to baptize people in a village where instead of saying “gosh darn,” the villagers cussed out Heavenly Father. Connor shuddered internally, thinking of all the different ways they’d been turned down after knocking on people’s doors, ranging from polite “no thank yous” to having guns pointed at their heads. The elders needed some health insurance at  _ least _ . 

Connor shook his head, trying to focus on what needed to happen today. He and Elder Poptarts were supposed to set up the room and make the whole mission hut look somewhat representable before the new missionaries arrived. The other elders would go out and continue to try and spread the Book of Mormon to the rest of the village. He was in the middle of mentally categorizing everything when he remembered something. “Oh! And just because there are new recruits today doesn’t mean that there aren’t chores to do this week!” Connor exclaimed, clapping his hands together. There was a collective groan from the elders. “Hey now, I’m still taking bathroom duty.” Elder Schrader looked unimpressed. “Unless you’d like to do it, Elder,” Connor continued, raising his eyebrows at Elder Schrader. 

Elder Schrader shook his head quickly. “No, no, that’s fine Elder McKinley. Could I just… not have sweeping duty again? I’ve had it for four weeks in a row now.” 

Connor winced internally at his sloppy organization. None of the elders should get a job more than two weeks in a row, other than himself of course.  _ Someone  _ had to clean the bathroom. But when had he gotten so messy about assigning jobs? “Of course. I’ll make sure you get a different job.” Connor replied, a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes plastered across his face. 

Elder Schrader smiled gratefully before putting his dish away and going to get ready. Connor looked at Elder Poptarts and whispered, “Hey have I been getting sloppy about assigning jobs lately?”

Elder Poptarts considered this, then shook his head. “No. Well, yeah a bit. But it’s not really noticeable. Elder Schrader is the best at sweeping anyway.”

Connor mentally chided himself.  _ Keep it together, can’t you? Just… stop  _ failing  _ and be the district leader everyone needs.  _ Connor smiled and nodded, trying to act like he wasn’t freaking out inside. Poptarts smiled back at him, “I can help you assign jobs today. It’s not like it will take us the whole day to clean the hut.”

Connor breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah, that would–that would be helpful.” Elder Poptarts patted him on the shoulder reassuringly as he walked past him to go brush his teeth. Connor could do this. Just get through today, welcome the new recruits, and let Elder Price do his fancy-perfect-Mormon magic and finally get this mission turned around.  _ I mean, what could go wrong? _

~~~

Several things, apparently. Several things could go wrong. Best to start with the Great Roof Fiasco. 

While Connor and Poptarts cleaned the hut, Connor noticed a  _ tiny _ hole in the roof. Naturally, he had to fix it, right? Even though it was small and it barely ever rained, he couldn’t just leave a  _ hole  _ in the  _ roof.  _ So he borrowed a ladder and went up on the roof to fix it, like a good Mormon district leader. But when he got up there, the breeze was so nice and the sky was so blue he just couldn’t resist. Connor abandoned the hole and started dancing. He hadn’t really danced since he had arrived in Uganda several months ago, and he hadn’t realized how much he had missed it. Dancing made him feel free again. His heart would get light and his eyes would close and his arms and legs would naturally fall into place, taking him through ballet and tap steps. He was just going through a complicated series of turns, ball-changes, and pas de bourr ées when he felt the roof give way underneath his left leg. Connor had that moment where his stomach and other internal organs felt weightless before he came crashing down onto the roof with a bone-rattling  _ slam _ . He gritted his teeth against the pain as he faintly heard Elder Poptarts’ trying to ask if he was okay. 

“O-M-Gosh Elder McKinley! Are you okay? Here, I’m gonna come around outside.” Connor tried to focus on his breathing,  _ in, out, in, out _ , as he dimly registered Elder Poptarts climbing up on the roof. Only his leg had broken through the roof, so he hadn’t fallen inside or anything, but  _ dang _ , it hurt. 

“I was just doing the dishes when your leg came crashing through the ceiling. Are you okay?” 

Connor winced as he slowly extricated his leg from the roof. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just –agh–got distracted.” He shot a (hopefully) reassuring smile in Elder Poptarts’ direction. Elder Poptarts looked concerned. 

“The hole is over there, Elder. Why are you all the way over here?”

“I was…” Suddenly, it hit Connor in the face like a hardcover Bible wrapped in cement. He had crashed through the roof because he had been dancing. Dancing was  _ not  _ an acceptable activity for a Mormon boy, especially one his age, as he had been reminded by his father countless times. Why would God see it any differently? He  _ deserved  _ to be in pain right now. It was just his punishment for what he had done. “... looking for any more holes.” he finished lamely. Connor could tell Elder Poptarts didn’t believe him for a second. But he seemed to drop the subject. 

“Well, now there certainly are,” Poptarts replied, chuckling softly to himself. Now that he knew Connor wasn’t hurt, at least not badly, they could both see how funny the situation was. Connor started laughing. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like, just washing the dishes when my  _ leg  _ comes through the ceiling.” The laughter helped distract from his deserved pain.

Elder Poptarts laughed harder, “It was certainly an experience.” 

Once they had both calmed down, the two elders went around fixing the holes in the roof, one made by some inexplicable African thing, the other made by an equally inexplicable dancing white boy. 

~~~

After Poptarts and Connor finished fixing the roof, they had gone inside and finished up tidying the rest of the hut. This meant extricating all the Uno cards from between the couch cushions (they had to have fun  _ somehow _ ), throwing out the old food (seriously, who thought they would eat this many bananas? Oh right, Connor), and, yes, sweeping the floor. Connor had been partially lying when he had said there would still be chores this week. The other elders wouldn’t have enough time to really clean the whole hut once they came back, so Poptarts and Connor ended up doing most of the chores anyway. After an unhealthy amount of time trying to figure out if there was a snake in the toilet (they were  _ pretty  _ sure there wasn’t), Poptarts finally declared them done. 

“Hey! That’s it! We’re finished!” Poptarts exclaimed. They were both exhausted in the African heat. Connor supposed that the other elders probably had it a little harder, walking around in the sun fully buttoned-up, but so what? He could still complain. 

Connor breathed a sigh of relief, looking around the living room for anything else that could be cleaned. Spotting nothing, he collapsed onto the couch and watched as the other elders slowly returned to the mission hut.

“You would _not believe it_ , there was an _elephant_!”  
“You saw an elephant? _I_ got to see three different guns today. Three. Different. Guns. And they were all being waved threateningly in my direction!”

“I met this nice little kid who gave me a flower! I gave him one of our bibles in return. Hopefully, he’ll soon be following the way of the Lord.”

“I don’t think he was old enough to read. Also, I saw him throw it in a puddle.”

“Gosh darn it.”

Connor laughed as he watched his friends interact, despite the tale of the bible being thrown in a puddle. He reminded himself how they made it worth it. Worth it to stay down here in no-man's-land, where they didn’t have real plumbing, but where he had friends. 

Lost in thought, Connor almost didn’t notice when the door banged open and in stepped a cheery-looking man with curly hair and glasses and— _ oh my gosh there is no freaking way someone  _ this hot  _ has just walked into our mission hut _ . The second man looked frustrated and sweaty, his clothes dusty from the African road. However, none of that— _ none of that _ —detracted from how good-looking he was. Connor froze, looking the second man up and down. 

“Wow! We must look pretty bad if you’re staring that much! Sure, we got robbed at gunpoint and walked a pretty long way and got bitten by a lot of bugs and also met this really nice girl, Narnia, and also it was a long plane flight and they didn’t hand out any peanuts, which was sad, but anyway HI! I’m Elder Cunningham, but you can call me Arnold if you want. Or I guess if it’s against mission protocol, you can just call me Elder Cunningham.” 

Connor was barely paying attention to Elder Cunningpork but forced himself to turn his attention away from the second man to greet him like a good Mormon district leader. “Hello! Welcome to the District 9 mission hut. I can show you to your room if you like. I understand that the trip here can be difficult.”

The second man snorted and Connor found his attention inevitably drawn back to him. “ _ Difficult _ . Is an understatement. The plane was crowded. The bus was late. And we were robbed. At. Gunpoint.” The last words were forced through gritted teeth. “I don’t suppose there’s a change of clothes around here?”

Connor stared at him for several seconds before Elder Poptarts helpfully intervened, saying, “Of course! I’m sure we can find some that will fit you. Right this way!”

Connor blinked as Elder Cunningpork and the other man were led off by Elder Poptarts.  _ Turn it off. Turn it off.  _ Elder Church’s low whistle broke the silence, “For a “perfect Mormon” that guy’s a bit uptight. Unless do you think the first guy is meant to ‘solve all our problems?’ ‘Cause, somehow I doubt he’ll do much of anything.”

_ This  _ was something Connor knew how to deal with. “Elder, it’s not right to speak badly of people, especially before we get to know them. Let’s give them a chance, all right?”

The other elders grumbled, taking seats around the coffee table. Connor was just sitting down on the couch when Elder Poptarts returned with the new recruits. He popped back up instantly, resolving not to freeze this time. Not to be useless. Not to be ga— Nope. Not doing that train of thought, thank you very much. Not right now. Turn it off.

He reached out to shake the new Elders’ hands, smiling broadly as he formally welcomed Elder Cunning _ ham _ and Elder Price to their mission hut. Elder Price—now  _ that  _ was a name! What could his first name be? Joseph? Alan? Chad? Oh, please not Chad. 

“So, how many people have you guys baptized so far? Ten? A hundred?  _ Two hundred _ ?” Elder Cunningham blurted. 

“Errrr... “ Deep breath Connor. Just spit it out. You’re failing as a mission leader. Spit it out. “None so far, actually.” 

“None?!” Elder Price looked shocked. “What kind of mission leader  _ are  _ you?” 

Connor’s heart dropped like a stone. Of course, Elder Price hated him. He didn’t even know about Connor’s….  _ condition _ yet and he still hated him. “I…”

“Oh give him a break! It’s really difficult to baptize anyone out here, and Elder McKinley is doing a  _ great  _ job.” Elder Poptarts said, looking at Connor supportively. 

Connor found himself smiling as he looked over at Elder Poptarts. “I… yeah. Baptisms are difficult out here. We’re all just doing our best.”

Elder Price narrowed his eyes but said nothing. Connor became incredibly interested in the floor. 

“Wow! It does sound hard to baptize people in Africa, especially since there were those people with guns and the people cussing out Heavenly Father and the… hey! This stuff wasn’t in  _ The Lion King _ !” Leave it to Elder Cunningham to break up an awkward situation. Connor was quickly growing to like the guy. 

Connor laughed. “I think you’ll come to find that Africa is nothing like  _ The Lion King _ .”

~~~

Several weeks had passed since Elder Price and Elder Cunningham had first arrived. Things had gone.... less than well. 

Connor’s hell dreams had gotten worse since Elder Price’s arrival, and nothing he did seemed to help. He woke up several times each night in a cold sweat, breathing heavily, heart pounding from whatever torture had happened that night. On some of the worst nights, he woke up screaming or sobbing. When that happened, Elder Poptarts would come over and hold his hand while he calmed down. Unfortunately, it was working less and less often because as Connor’s hell dreams got worse, he was more and more acutely aware of how  _ he was holding another man’s hand but he’s just my friend but it’s wrong it’s all wrong you’re wrong you’re broken— _ On those nights, he pushed Elder Poptarts away and tried to fall asleep again on his own. It never worked. 

In other news, enough stuff had happened to fill an entire musical. Elder Cunningham had started getting baptisms left and right while Elder Price continued to be useless and full of himself  _ and also hot NOPE TURN IT OFF. _

In an effort to get over Elder Price, Connor had pushed him aside in front of everyone in favor of Elder Cunningham. By telling Elder Cunningham he was their savior and he was the best Mormon ever, Connor hoped to convince himself too (although Elder Cunningham’s baptisms were nothing to snort at). He just needed to get his mind off Elder Price. 

Then the villagers had put on a play of the Mormon teachings. It should’ve been Elder McKinley’s finest moment; the villagers of this backwater African town, proving to his higher-ups that they were good Mormons! Instead… it was the most embarrassing moment of his life. The villagers had been taught some… twisted version of the religion from Arnold. The mission was declared canceled, and Connor was prepared to go home in shame. 

He couldn’t fix himself, he couldn’t lead a mission, he couldn’t even notice when the villagers were learning about… having intercourse with frogs! 

Then, like some savior from above, Elder Price had stood up in the middle of everyone and started shouting about how they didn’t have to listen to the mission president. How they could stay in Uganda instead. How they could spread their new religion, The Book of Arnold.

Connor feels his heart flip. Firstly, Elder Price is maybe not the egotistical jerk he was before? He had character development? Secondly, going against the church? That’s a thing you can do? You don’t have to follow all the rules? Connor was shocked and a little confused. For Elder  _ Price _ , the most stand-up Mormon he knew, to be proposing all these crazy things was... well, crazy! But at the same time, it felt as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders. Not taken off, but lightened a little bit. Because suddenly, as the other elders are agreeing with Elder Price, maybe The Book of Mormon isn’t right about  _ everything _ . Because looking around, Connor can see they’ve brought a community together here. Because Connor can see they’re doing something  _ right  _ here, despite what the mission president might say. 

~~~

After Elder Price’s declaration, things were hectic. Connor went up to Elder Price, saying, “Do you really mean it? Are you going to stay here?”

Elder Price turned his head to look Connor in the eye. “Yeah, I am.” A glint of challenge sparked in his gaze. “If you have a problem with that, you can just leave. Go back to Salt Lake City.”

Connor put his hands in the air in surrender. “No, no, no problems here! I just wanted to make sure… you meant it.” He drew in a breath. Y’know, I don’t want my mission to be cut short any more than you want yours to be!” 

Elder Price relaxed, tension dropping from his shoulders. “I’m… glad to hear that. It’ll be useful to have our district leader around.” 

Connor smiled at him, and when Elder Price smiled back, he could feel the day get a little brighter.

~~~

_ Several weeks later... _

“Y’know, I don’t know how many spaceships we can have in a single chapter. They sort of clog the message, what with all their… battling.”

“Come on! They’re the best part! They’re all like  _ pew pew! Pow pow! Boom! KABAM! _ ” Elder Cunningham ran around as he made the sound effects, acting out the battle himself. 

Connor smiled. “But maybe we could take out  _ one  _ spaceship battle? This chapter is an important lesson; love and acceptance for everyone.”

“Finneeee. _But_ , I get to put an extra one in another chapter!”  
“Deal.”  
“Woo!” Elder Cunningham ran off to his girlfriend, Nabulungi to tell her the good news. 

Connor heard footsteps behind him but didn’t bother turning around as the other elder sat next to him. 

“He sure is energetic today.” Elder Price remarked with a smirk. 

“No kidding! Try hashing out an entire chapter with him while he’s in this mood.”  
“I can’t even imagine. What’s the chapter about? Maybe I can help.”  
“Love and acceptance for everyone. Y’know, _love thy neighbor_ and all that.” 

Elder Price looked over at Connor, asking a silent question. Connor felt as if he was being dissected by Elder Price’s gaze and he quickly turned away to look at a rock.

Elder Price knew about Connor’s hell dreams. Everyone in the mission-except-not-really-an-official-mission-anymore knew. But the thing was… Connor’s hell dreams were getting better. For the first time since fifth grade, he slept through the night sometimes. Connor couldn’t quite pinpoint what was happening, but  _ something  _ certainly was. Something about going behind the mission president’s back but still doing good. Something about the rest of the elders relaxing the rules but still being good Mormons. 

Connor looked back over at Elder Price to see him reading what Elder Cunningham and he had written. 

“You misused a semicolon here.” Elder Price said, pointing at the offending punctuation mark.

“I never could figure those things out.” Connor laughed, relieved Elder Price hadn’t pressed the issue further. In the past weeks, Connor and Elder Price had become closer friends and it was common to see them editing The Book of Arnold together. Connor had continued to turn it off, but it was getting harder as they became closer friends. 

“But, seriously, Elder McKinley.” Elder Price turned back to Connor, who could feel his heartbeat getting faster.  _ No no I don’t want to have this conversation not with you turn it off turn it off turn it off— _ “ _ Love thy neighbor _ applies to  _ everyone _ . It trumps all the rules. Even the ones about… about being gay.”

Connor sat up straight, looking Elder Price in the eye. “You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.” Elder price replied, with such conviction Connor’s suddenly-icy demeanor faltered. He took in a deep breath and looked back down at the rock. 

“Elder McKinley, I may not be a perfect Mormon anymore, but there’s one thing I know. God, if He’s up there, wants His people to be happy. He wants  _ you  _ to be happy. He made you like this, and He doesn’t make mistakes.” Elder Price’s conviction only got stronger as he went on, believing in his words more and more as he said them. “You are not a mistake. You are exactly the way He means you to be.”

Connor froze, each of his muscles clenching as Elder Price went on. What he was suggesting… “Elder… I…”  
“Kevin. You can call me Kevin.”  
Connor whispered the name to himself. “ _Kevin_.” It was exactly what he expected, but also completely different. “Kevin... I…”

It was all Connor could get out before he had to stand up and walk away. He could feel Elder Price’s eyes watching him all the way back to the mission hut.

~~~ 

Well, at least his name wasn’t  _ Chad _ . 

What Elder Price _ —Kevin _ had said… Connor didn’t know what to think. Connor didn’t think he was  _ wrong _ , per se. It did make sense, especially after having it explained to him by Kevin. He just… didn’t understand. He didn’t understand  _ why _ , if God wanted him to be gay, he had been tortured with hell dreams for years. He didn’t understand  _ why _ , if God was okay with him, the church had been lecturing him about demons and sins and hell and all the terrible things that would happen. He didn’t understand  _ why, why  _ he was in such pain and agony if, truly, God wanted his people to be happy. He didn’t understand  _ why, why, why  _ God had decided to make him this way if He didn’t make mistakes. 

But if He didn’t make mistakes… then that meant he was who he was meant to be

Or Kevin was wrong and Connor was going to even  _ worse  _ hell for even entertaining thoughts of maybe being okay. 

Luckily, it was near the end of the day and Connor was able to retire early, citing a headache. However, sleep didn’t come easy. Questions and non-answers and queries and hope and despair all slammed around in his brain. When Elder Poptarts finally came in (after several loud rounds of  _ Uno _ ), Connor could tell he was keeping Poptarts awake with his tossing and turning. Finally, he sat up.

“I’m going to go get a drink of water. Headache, y’know?”

Elder Poptarts grunted an  _ uh-huh  _ and turned over to face the wall.

Connor slowly creaked open the door and padded out to the common area, settling down on the couch so he wouldn’t wake anyone else up by banging around in the kitchen. While he lay there, thinking about what had happened today, he felt his eyelids grow heavy. Fighting it just made them heavier. He got up to walk circles around the table but found himself wanting to just lie down and  _ sleep _ . When his legs eventually got tired, he sat, still fighting the sleep. Sleep meant hell dreams, especially after what happened today.  _ But what if Kevin’s right? He’s not. He can’t be. He is. He’s not. Why not? He can’t be. He makes sense. He can’t. He does. No. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off… turn it… off... turn...it… _

Sleep took him at last.

~~~

_ Connor was dead. He knew it.  _

_ Well, not because he had just died again. That happened all the time in hell. Because this,  _ this _ , was worse than any hell dream before it. The guillotines, the chains, the lava, the axes, the fire, the swords, the devils laughing, laughing, laughing at poor Connor McKinley who could never turn it off. Never, never, never.  _

_ Their cackling chased him as he ran into the cave. Maybe, here, he was safe, he thought.  _

_ Then the walls began to move as billions of spiders and centipedes and all sorts of creepy-crawly  _ things  _ that should not exist swarmed him and his vision went dark. _

_ He came to just in time to watch the guillotine drop. _

_ His eyes opened as the devils poked him and prodded him and injected him with diseases and his skin melted off and the fire surrounded him and then the fire cleared and in front of him kneeled all the Elders of District 9.  _

_ And Connor was forced to watch as Satan himself cut off their heads one by one. _

_ ~~~ _

He woke up screaming.

Screaming, screaming, screaming.

Normally, he could gather his bearings.

_ Normally _ .

But not tonight. 

Because tonight everyone he cared about had died and he could do nothing and it was all his fault and he was screaming. 

He tried to focus on what was around him. The couch—no, no it wasn’t a couch. It was lava and hellfire and he was falling into it.

He jumped backward to avoid it and smashed his back against the coffee table. 

The pain—the _ real  _ pain—jolted him back to reality and he finally stopped screaming. 

So now he was just crying, tears soaking into the worn carpet, alone, alone, alone.

So when he felt a hand on his back, he jumped again. 

He turned to see Kevin next to him.

“Elder McKinley! Elder McKinley, focus on me. You’re okay. You’re fine. You’re fine.”

Connor locked eyes with Kevin, but he still looked like a cornered animal. His breathing was so fast, Kevin wasn’t sure he was getting any oxygen at all. There were so many tears going down his face, Kevin could hear a steady pat, pat, pat, as they hit the carpet. 

“McKinley, look at me. I need you to take deep breaths. With me, okay? In… 2… 3… 4… Out… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… In… 2… 3… 4… Out… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6…”

Connor slowly started calming down. His breathing slowed, but the tears didn’t. As he began to register his surroundings again, he realized Kevin was there. Kevin, Mr. Super Mormon, Connor’s friend, and Connor’s gay crush. Kevin, who Connor had watched die for his sins. 

“You… you… It’s all my fault!” Connor buried his head in his knees and started sobbing again. 

Kevin rubbed his hand in circles on Connor’s back. “No... whatever it is isn’t your fault. I know that. I know that, McKinley.”

“No, but, it’s me. I’m—I’m _gay_. And I’m going to hell and you’re all going to die and it’s _all my fault_!”  
“McKinley, remember. God loves everyone and God is merciful. The God I know wouldn’t let such a wonderful person go through so much pain. You are exactly the way you are supposed to be.”

Connor hiccuped, blinking. “But… but… no, that can’t be right. “ He started shaking his head, faster and faster. “I’m supposed to be punished. I’m not allowed to be gay. It’s all my fault.”

“McKinley, God wants you to be happy.  _ God wants you to be happy _ . And if happy includes another man, why should that change His mind?  _ Love thy neighbor and all that _ , remember?”

“Love thy neighbor?”

“Love thy neighbor trumps them all. _Love_ , McKinley, that’s what He wants. _Love_.”  
Connor hiccuped again. “Love?”

“Love.”

Several breaths passed before Connor suddenly seized Kevin in an embrace, hugging him tightly. Kevin hugged him back, not caring that his shirt was getting stained with tears.

“I... maybe… _maybe_ this is how I’m meant to be?” Connor’s voice cracked, disbelieving, questioning whether his very existence was allowed.  
“Exactly how you’re meant to be, McKinley.”

Connor took a deep breath before cracking a small smile, tears still streaming down his face. “Maybe…” Suddenly he looked at Kevin and started laughing.

“What? Is there toothpaste on my forehead?”

“No… it’s just… you don’t even know my first name!” Connor kept laughing, clutching his sides, still crying from all the emotions flooding him. “We went through this whole moment together without you actually knowing my name!”

Kevin started laughing too, giggling at first, before breaking into loud, unapologetic laughter. “Well, what is it?” He gasped out between laughs. “Not Chad, right?”  
Connor laughed even louder, choking out, “Connor. It’s Connor.”  
Kevin’s laughter subsided and he looked at Connor, smiling warmly. “Well, Connor McKinley, you are exactly who you are meant to be.”  
And Connor McKinley looked Kevin Price in the eye and did something incredibly, overwhelmingly stupid. He was still crying, all the emotions racing through his bloodstream, making him feel electric: fear, hope, confusion, joy, guilt, and pure, unfiltered adrenaline. Caught up in the moment, in Kevin’s eyes, in his own emotions, in _everything_ , Connor grabbed Kevin’s face in his hands and kissed him on the lips. 

It only lasted for a millisecond before Connor fell backward, already throwing up his walls again. Kevin could hear Connor muttering: something about being gay, and going to hell, and it being  _ all my fault all my fault all my fault.  _

Kevin grabbed Connor and kissed him back, breaking it apart after a few seconds. 

“Connor, Connor,  _ look at me _ . You are  _ exactly  _ the way you are meant to be. You are a spectacular,  _ wonderful  _ person and there is  _ nothing  _ wrong with you.” 

“Really?”

“Really.”

And when Connor finally fell asleep in Kevin’s embrace, Kevin had to shoo the other elders away with whispered warnings and hand signals, trying to explain what had happened without waking Connor. Arnold was especially difficult to quiet down. But, eventually, the rest of the elders headed back to their beds, leaving Kevin and Connor alone in the living room. 

And Connor McKinley was getting the most peaceful sleep he’d had in years, right in Kevin’s arms. 

_ The End. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> This is the first fanfic I've ever written so constructive criticism is welcome. Feel free to leave comments and kudos to let me know it was cool!
> 
> And I'm not trying to imply that all of Connor's internalized homophobia is gone from one night with Kevin. It's only a start on his journey to self-acceptance.
> 
> Also did I put a Prom reference in the climax of the story? Yes, yes I did.


End file.
